I said keep off the grass!

470 languages and you still walk on the grass? Come on!

"If you are a little ugly pathetic kid trying to get your Frisbee off of my lawn: Keep off the grass!"

In front of my stately white Victorian house is a lush emerald green professionally trimmed front lawn. At the end of my beautiful lawn are two white signs that read: KEEP OFF THE GRASS. Now anyone with a freaking milligram of intelligence would realize that the owner of that house might kill anyone who steps on the grass! There is also no sidewalk to my front door. Just grass, that means you don’t walk on the grass, crippling each grass blade your colossal foot lands on, to ring my doorbell trying to sell me some cookies to cure some disease that I don’t care about. There is a reason that I have no sidewalk and have KEEP OFF THE GRASS signs; I don’t want to be disturbed! I hate the people on my street, the people in my street; everyone. 

My Hero.

If you are a little ugly pathetic kid trying to get your Frisbee off of my lawn: Keep off the grass! If you are a new neighbor who wants to “get to know me”: Keep off the grass! If you are a tough punk who is really just a little shit who thinks the rules don’t apply to you: Keep off the grass! If you are a young schoolgirl who thinks you can break through my tough exterior and become my best friend: If you know what’s good for you KEEP OFF THE FREAKIN GRASS DEAR GOD!  If it was legal I would put lands mines, YES LAND MINES, in my lawn to keep people off of it! I will get pet lions to chase after whoever rings my doorbell. I might make my welcome mat a trap door to a pit full of blood thirsty piranhas. So please keep off the grass because I’m not going back to jail just because you pissed me off and I had to take you down. Remember I’m on the lam. 

Important: Rapture rescheduled!

And the world goes BOOM

Important!
Rapture rescheduled!
Date: To be determined!
Send all your worldly possessions to me to save yourselves! 

I’m sick? What the hell!?

What I like puppies, I'm not that heartless!

 "I, personally, would like to think of myself as a god or a king; but that’s just me."

For the first time in 30 years I am sick. I have been stuck in bed this whole week. I’m estimating that my fever is about 400 degrees. I do not exaggerate. I am so angry that I’m sick. I’m not supposed to get sick; mortals are supposed to get sick. I, personally, would like to think of myself as a god or a king; but that’s just me. It is really bugging me that I don’t know who got me sick. I really want to track the person down who got me sick. I wonder if I could sue them, if you are a lawyer please contact me to see if this is possible. I still don’t understand how I could get sick. It is my understanding that my total hatred for the world helps my immune system. It just looks like I have to start hating the world a little bit more. That’s going to be a challenge.

Where I've been

Hint: I went to jail

"I know what you’re thinking how could a sane, intelligent, and rational elder gentleman be sent to jail."

So many of you are probably wondering why I haven’t made a post in a month or two. Well I feel obligated to tell you where I’ve been. It’s really quite a funny story. I was in jail. I know what you’re thinking how could a sane, intelligent, and rational elder gentleman be sent to jail. Well back in the days of hippies; also known as the 1970s, I may or may not have embezzled $653,243.45 from the company that I worked for. There is really no proof in my opinion that I stole the money. They say that when I deposited $653,243.45 the day after the alleged embezzlement caused the IRS to start an investigation. I was like excuse me; maybe I found the money just lying on the floor in the mall. People are just so ridiculous. Anyways apparently you have pay taxes on money that you embezz- I mean found lying on the floor. So, the IRS knocked on my door and carted me off to jail. Jail really wasn’t that bad except for the fact that everyone tried to kill me multiple times. Apparently convicted felons don’t enjoy “yo momma” jokes; who knew?

 Maybe we should teach our children this valuable lesson so they don’t almost die when they go off to jail like I did. There was this one very large man in jail nicknamed Fred who said he was going to rip off my limbs and stuff me in a postal box mail me to his brother’s house who will smash the package with a hammer after it’s delivery. I’m sure they were all just joking, if they weren’t I should really be concerned of that crazy guy stalking me in the subway stations.

I'm sure he is a straight shooter.

 Anyways to escape I pretended to die and then dug myself out of my grave. It would be such a funny story to tell at parties if I didn’t hate everyone and if I went to parties. So I’m back losers I will be posting regularly again!