I said keep off the grass!

470 languages and you still walk on the grass? Come on!

"If you are a little ugly pathetic kid trying to get your Frisbee off of my lawn: Keep off the grass!"

In front of my stately white Victorian house is a lush emerald green professionally trimmed front lawn. At the end of my beautiful lawn are two white signs that read: KEEP OFF THE GRASS. Now anyone with a freaking milligram of intelligence would realize that the owner of that house might kill anyone who steps on the grass! There is also no sidewalk to my front door. Just grass, that means you don’t walk on the grass, crippling each grass blade your colossal foot lands on, to ring my doorbell trying to sell me some cookies to cure some disease that I don’t care about. There is a reason that I have no sidewalk and have KEEP OFF THE GRASS signs; I don’t want to be disturbed! I hate the people on my street, the people in my street; everyone. 

My Hero.

If you are a little ugly pathetic kid trying to get your Frisbee off of my lawn: Keep off the grass! If you are a new neighbor who wants to “get to know me”: Keep off the grass! If you are a tough punk who is really just a little shit who thinks the rules don’t apply to you: Keep off the grass! If you are a young schoolgirl who thinks you can break through my tough exterior and become my best friend: If you know what’s good for you KEEP OFF THE FREAKIN GRASS DEAR GOD!  If it was legal I would put lands mines, YES LAND MINES, in my lawn to keep people off of it! I will get pet lions to chase after whoever rings my doorbell. I might make my welcome mat a trap door to a pit full of blood thirsty piranhas. So please keep off the grass because I’m not going back to jail just because you pissed me off and I had to take you down. Remember I’m on the lam.